Yes, I admit I might be a bit late for Spring Training this year…but I'm sure I could find a family concern to justify it. Actually, every time I started to write this thing something else would happen, and I'd want to add it. So let's just get on with it…

A nice little chat
(Cell phone goes off to the tune of "Skills to Pay the Bills" by the Beastie Boys)
Alex: Hello?
Derek: Alex?
Alex: Yeah, who is this?
Derek: This is the shortstop.
Alex: (laughing) Hey, Derek. What's up?
Derek: (A bit tense) What's up?? I understand you're going to be a Yankee.
Alex: Yeah. After watching the team and listening to you talk about how great Torre is, how great the organization is, how great the city…
Derek: Shut up. I'm the shortstop and captain of this team and I'm not leaving, unlike some other shortstops and captains.
Alex: Fair enough. You know I read this thing called Out at Home last week, and it talked about me being captain of the Texas ship and going down with it and all so I decided to get off the boat.
Derek: You realize Seattle has done well without you and Texas did better before you? I have no intention of letting my ship sail off course. And of course our King knows ships.
Alex: King? Oh, right. George. He was the one who came up with the deal, or at least claims he came up with the deal. Listen, I just want to help the team and Texas is getting what they apparently want.
Derek: Alfonso? Yeah, poor guy went from certain Hall of Famer to "that guy who used play second base for the Yankees"
Alex: He'll be fine. But what about us? We're friends, or used to be.
Derek: This is a big city. If you're definitely here, we'll figure it out.
Alex: You know I'm going to try third base?
Derek: Oh? Then fine but there is no 'trying.' You ARE going to play third.
Alex: Fine. So we're OK?
Derek: (chuckling) Sure. How much did ya get?
Alex: Boros got me more than enough, as usual.
Derek: We're going to conquer the world and divide it between us.
(Two laughs and two clicks)

Note: The previous conversation is strictly fictitious (probably) but any similarities that might exist are intended. (next time I'll examine a conversation between King George and Red Sox owner, Henry)

Ivy League stat rat makes good
The Dodgers have new ownership and now new guidance. They have hired Paul DePodesta, former A's and Indians assistant, as the new GM. DePodesta, 31, graduated cum laude in economics from Harvard where he played baseball and football. DePodesta becomes the ninth GM since '58, but the sixth in six years. As a Dodger fan I think the hiring is a great decision. The guy seems to be smart, aggressive and motivated. I assure you this confidence in him has nothing to do with him replying to a letter I sent him last year : )

Will Social Security supplement the Astros' payroll?
They already had Oswalt, Miller and Redding. Then Pettitte. Then Clemens left retirement for them. Now the Astros have convinced Nolan Ryan to leave retirement for a personal services contract. (if they make the playoffs, he'll be eligible : ) The only clause Ryan insisted on was there was no way he was wearing those orange horizontal stripes again.

That's a lot of gum
Another strong rotation that added a Hall of Famer was the Cubs who signed Greg Maddux to a $24 million deal. At 37, Maddux may end his career where he started it, Wrigley Field. But then again, doesn't signing with the Cubs mean your career was already pretty much over?

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a rich man
Dodger closer Gagne made $550,000 last year. Taken directly from an AP report last week, "Cy Young Award winner Eric Gagne lost his salary arbitration case Thursday and will receive $5 million from the Los Angeles Dodgers instead of $8 million." LOST?

I had a dream last night…
I went to work and decided I should ask for a lot more money because last year I did a really good job but other people doing the same type of work were getting paid more. I asked for a 1450% raise. I got screwed and ended up with only a 900% increase. I got so mad I threatened to quit. They dared me. I didn't.

Will St Louis' payroll supplement Social Security?
Pujols is a very rich man after he landed a 1604% increase. After telling St Louis he wanted a long term deal but would not give them a break in his price, they signed him for seven years at $100 million. He'll get paid by the team until 2029 when he will then be 49 years old.

But I thought they were Flintstones
Greg Anderson, Bonds' personal trainer, was one of four men charged with distributing steroids. Apparently, the four have been linked to several baseball players. I bought vitamins fROM THE GUY AND I HAVEN'T NOTICED ANY CHANGE IN MY WRITING.

Have a great Mardi Gras!
Jonathan

"I'll publish right or wrong. Fools are my theme, let satire be my song." Lord Byron